Cobra Gets Responsible?
by Cygna Vamp
Summary: What if the guys from Cobra did the PSAs at the end of every episode?
1. love and lemonade

Cobra Gets Responsible?  
  
I do not own anything, bladdy baddy, blah. OK, remember how at the end of every ep of G.I. Joe the  
  
would have one of the Joes pop up and tell kids that they shouldn't steal, take drugs, stick their  
  
head in a microwave, etc.? What if Cobra had to do the public service announcments? Here's how it  
  
would go........  
  
Scene I  
  
(3 boys are walking in the park- Terry, Charly and Rick. They have a football.)  
  
TERRY: This looks like a good place to play.  
  
CHARLY: But Terry, there's only three of us. We need one more person to make even teams.  
  
RICK: Look, there's Frank. (He points at a skinny bespectacled kid sitting on a park bench.) Let's ask  
  
him to play.  
  
TERRY: Get real, Rick! Frank's a loser.  
  
CHARLY: And a dork!  
  
(Enter Cobra Commander)  
  
COBRA COMMANDER: Hello boys! Nice day for football.  
  
BOYS: Cobra Commander!  
  
COBRA COMMANDER: What's this I hear about you not wanting to play with Frank?  
  
RICK: Charly and Terry think he's a dork, but we need someone to play football with us.  
  
TERRY: Why don't you play with us, Cobra Commander?  
  
CHARLY: Yeah, you're not a geeky little wuss like Frank!  
  
COBRA COMMANDER: Boys, boys! Don't you know what happens when you exclude others? They get bitter  
  
and resentful! Then one day, they take their daddy's gun and get their revenge!  
  
RICK: So...we should let Frank play with us so he doesn't go berserk and kill us later?  
  
COBRA COMMANDER: And hang out with a dork? No! You need to kill Frank before he kills you!  
  
TERRY: Thanks, Cobra Commander! Now we know!  
  
COBRA COMMANDER: And knowing is half the battle!  
  
Scene II  
  
(Lemonade stand in the suburbs. Candy and Corey are running the stand under a scrawled "Lemonade -  
  
10/c" sign. They look sad.)  
  
CANDY: Why isn't anyone buying our lemonade?  
  
COREY: It's that dumb old Roger Phillips down the street! People come to his stand before ours.  
  
CANDY: What if we lowered our price to a nickle?  
  
(Enter Destro)  
  
DESTRO: How's the lemonade today, kids?  
  
KIDS: Destro!  
  
DESTRO: Roger is doing quite well. (Pours himself a drink.)  
  
COREY: Yeah, everyone is buying from him and not us!  
  
DESTRO: Well, Corey, have you considered offering a service that Roger doesn't?  
  
CANDY: You mean we could, like, sell cookies or something?  
  
DESTRO: Ha,ha! Of course not, Candy! I'm suggesting a protection racket! You go over to Roger and   
  
tell him that if he doesn't cough up 15% of his income, you'll trash his stand.  
  
COREY: Wow! What a great idea!  
  
CANDY: We can do that to other lemonade stands in the neighborhood!  
  
COREY: We'll be rich!  
  
(next scene: Corey and Candy are bullying Roger, who meekly hands them a few dollars.)  
  
CANDY: Wow! What a haul! C'mon, Corey, let's do the sno-cone stand next!  
  
COREY: Thanks, Destro! Now we know!  
  
DESTRO: And knowing is half the battle! 


	2. hygiene and hyjacking

Ready for more? Here we go!  
  
Scene III  
  
(Kenny, Peter and Zack are walking home from school.)  
  
KENNY: Can you /believe/ what Mr. Thibadeax was saying in health class today, guys? Man, what a dork!  
  
PETER: You said it, Kenny! Who has time to bathe every single day? What do you think, Zack?  
  
ZACK: I can't believe we're supposed to brush /twice/ a day. You ever floss, Peter?  
  
PETER: Eew, gross! No way!  
  
(Enter Zartan and some Dreadnots.)  
  
ZARTAN: Hello boys, how's school?  
  
BOYS: Zartan!  
  
ZACK: School sucks, as usual.  
  
ZARTAN: Oh, it can't be all bad. What did you learn today?  
  
KENNY: Well, in health class they said we need to take baths.  
  
PETER: And brush our teeth.  
  
ZACK: And hair.  
  
ZARTAN: Boys, proper hygiene is very important! You don't want to look like /him/, do you? (Points   
  
at a Dreadnot.)  
  
ZACK: Yuck! Suddenly I have an urge to brush my teeth.  
  
PETER: I need a shower after just looking at him!  
  
KENNY: Man, that Dreadnot is one ugly dude! (The Dreadnot picks Kenny up and snaps him in half.)  
  
ZACK: Oh my God! He killed Kenny!  
  
DREADNOT: Yeah, I'm a bastard!  
  
PETER: Thanks, Zartan. Now we know!  
  
ZARTAN: And knowing is half the battle!  
  
(A/N: The next scene is loosly base on a true story. The names have been changed to protect the  
  
innocent and the stupid.)  
  
Scene IV  
  
(Jerry and Mike are sitting un the back office of a department store. The manager is very cross.)  
  
MANAGER: You boys ought to be ashamed! Steal beef jerky from /my/ store, will you? I'm going to   
  
call your parents! (picks up phone)Drat! Still dead! I'll find another phone. Don't move! (leaves)  
  
JERRY: What an assgoblin!  
  
MIKE: Well, I hope you're happy, Jerry! Just 'cuz I was with you, I'm gonna get in trouble when   
  
/you/ stole the jerky. I /told/ you not to!  
  
JERRY: Blow it out your shorts, Mike!  
  
(Enter Tomax and Xamot.)  
  
T&X: Hey, what are you boys doing here?  
  
M&J: Tomax and Xamot!  
  
MIKE: We're here 'cuz Jerry's a stupid asshole who had to steal some beef jerky.  
  
TOMAX: Is this true, Jerry?  
  
JERRY: Yeah.  
  
XAMOT: What you did was completly wrong. If you had been just a bit more stealthy  
  
TOMAX: you wouldn't have been caught! Now, you have no jerky and your brother's pissed off at   
  
you. Plus, what do you think your parents will do?  
  
JERRY: Gee, I guess they'll be all sore and stuff.  
  
TOMAX: First rule of shoplifting, Jerry, don't get caught. Wear a big jacket  
  
XAMOT: with lots of pockets. Make sure no one's looking. Take it in the bathroom and  
  
TOMAX: remove the barcode. /That's/ what sets off the detectors. Move fast.  
  
XAMOT: But not suspiciously fast.  
  
MIKE: Huh?  
  
JERRY: Thanks, Tomax and Xamot! Now we know!  
  
T&X: And knowing is half the battle! 


	3. beauty and boom sticks

Here we go again!  
  
Scene V  
  
(Bedroom of Vicki-a teenaged girl. She tears up some photos of a teenaged boy then grabs her   
  
teddy bear and falls on her bed crying.)  
  
VICKI: Oooh, that Louis! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!  
  
(enter Baroness)  
  
BARONESS: What's wrong, Vicki?  
  
VICKI: (Sobbing) B-Baroness?  
  
BARONESS: Looks like someone's hit that first big break-up.  
  
VICKI: (Crying) That stupid, self-centered jerk Louis Cezanne! He'd rather take that fake boobed  
  
air head Chrissy to homecoming!  
  
BARONESS: Now, now, Vicki, you can't let guys get to you like that. You must be strong enough to  
  
stand on your own! You need to make boys wallow over /you/ for a change.  
  
VICKI: But- how?  
  
BARONESS: First, get yourself a bustier-several if you can. Black tulle skirt for formal occasions,  
  
and black leather gauntlets with spikes. Don't forget to accesorize with a bullwhip!  
  
VICKI: 'Kay, then what?  
  
BARONESS: Then you take the wind out of Chrissy's hooters! /Don't/ take Louis back! Make him wish  
  
he stayed with you! Next guy you get a hold of, whip him into submission! Make him whine like a   
  
puppy! He'll call you "Mommy" and like it!  
  
VICKI: Alright. Say, how'd you get in my room?  
  
BARONESS: Call it women's intuition. (winks)  
  
VICKI: Thanks, Baroness. Now I know!  
  
BARONESS: And knowing is half the battle!  
  
Scene VI  
  
(A living room. Raianne is a 5 year old standing with her back to the wall)  
  
RAIANNE: Liam, are you sure about this?  
  
LIAM: (Off camera) Trust me, Raianne, we pull this one off, we can join the circus and be rich!  
  
RAIANNE: Well, OK. (She puts an apple on her head. We see Liam. He is 8 years old-with a gun!  
  
Major Bludd enters.)  
  
BLUDD: 'Ang on right there, nippers!  
  
KIDS: Major Bludd!  
  
BLUDD: Liam, just what do you think yer doing?  
  
LIAM: Raianne and I are working up a circus act.  
  
BLUDD: Liam, a boy yer age should 'ave more sense! First off, where's yer silencer? (He kneels   
  
to Liam's level and shows him how to use the gun.) Use both 'ands, keep yer arms stryte.   
  
Remember that kickback can throw off yer aim an' there's no shyme in usin' laser sight. Poor use  
  
of a gun is what made me loose me eye.  
  
RAIANNE: What about your arm?  
  
BLUDD: 'Ung it out a bus window. But, that's another PSA. Just remember this, nippers:  
  
I think that I shall never see  
  
A gun as lovely as a Glock 33  
  
To join the circus and gain great fame  
  
First you must improve your aim  
  
LIAM: Thanks, Major Bludd! Now we know!  
  
BLUDD: And knowin' is 'alf the battle! 


	4. this is the end

Here's the end of it all.  
  
Scene VII  
  
(Cobra HQ. Members of Cobra have gathered together.)  
  
COBRA COMMANDER: Well done, everybody! We're well on our way to corrupting the youth of America!  
  
BLUDD: Oy! Didn't that Marilyn Manson bloke beat us to it?  
  
COBRA COMMANDER: Silence, you fool! No one can beat Cobra Commander! Today, the children, tomorrow,  
  
the world! (evil laugh)  
  
(enter Duke with Mike)  
  
DUKE: Not so fast, Cobra!  
  
COBRA COMMANDER: So, Duke, we meet again.  
  
DUKE: Mike tipped me off on you! And he did the right thing! You've stooped to an all time low, Cobra,  
  
telling kids it's OK to steal and hurt people!  
  
ZARTAN: Hey, I got those boys to practice good hygiene!  
  
DUKE: But you killed Kenny!  
  
MIKE: You bastard!  
  
DUKE: Your evil plans will fail, Cobra! We have come to defeat you!  
  
COBRA COMMANDER: Bah! You and what army?  
  
FLINT: This army! Yo Joe! (He and several other Joes swoop down and attack. The Joes and Cobras fight  
  
viciously. Mike emerges from the scuffle and addresses us.)  
  
MIKE: And the moral of this story is..."Think for yourself! Don't let a bunch of stupid cartoon  
  
characters tell you what's right and what's wrong!"  
  
fin. 


End file.
